상관 없어 - The State of my Creative Self

I’m not one to express my opinions on the internet anymore - simply because I hate to feel vulnerable in front of others. But I feel compelled to share a story that currently expresses how I’m feeling in my life as a photographer.

I was contracted to work with a pretty well known brand and it was my first time to be assigned with them. Naturally, I had my expectations about the job as I compared it to other clients who had similar set ups. The kind of job that doesn’t involve me to tap into the last reaches of my right hemisphere to make something artful - or at least that was what I assumed would happen. Everything began off well where I was introduced to where my space would be to work, the people I’d work alongside with, and then the person who hired me said, “Wow me with some creative lighting!”

Any normal person would jump with delight if someone gave them that kind of freedom and enthusiasm. But for me this one small sentence seemed to be the last straw. The moment she said that, my hands froze, my brain shut down, and my heart stopped beating.

And I realized I had nothing left to give.

My reserve of creativity seemed to have run dry and for the rest of the time I was there, I could not find the drive or desire to do better except just to scrape by and save face. Wishing time would go by faster so I could go home, curl up into a ball, and wallow in the shame of a wasted opportunity.

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Since then, I’ve felt completely empty approaching everything I’ve done. Has my time in this creative space reached its end? Am I simply just needing a break? Probably.

Am I burnt out? Most definitely.